Giving Feedback Thoughts

Be Still, and Mirror
(image source)

This week we read four articles on giving and receiving feedback. I have some experience in this, but it has certainly been a long journey in the feedback loop circuit. I began by being petrified of feedback, and if I could not excel at something and be praised for my excellence, I shut down. Why bother? What's the point if I can't out-shine everyone else? Getting away from this mentality has taken some work. I lived with a trained counselor for a roommate for a while. That was tough, and arduous, and difficult to my idea of myself, and ultimately very good for me. I learned her feedback wasn't always criticism. I learned that she too needed feedback and expected growth in our relationship from it. I've also learned that simply being present for someone is the greatest gift that we can give. I would do well to remember that when working with my son as he matures and grows. I particularly tried to commit to memory the idea that it is best to mirror what is happening with a child when they are doing something easy for them, and to reserve praise for something that is particularly difficult that they are trying to master: patience, sharing, etc. I would be wise to keep heaps of praise off of my son, and instead aim to encourage leaning in to the challenges. I enjoyed the readings on this subject, and was circled back to a favorite author of mine who speaks about courage, and growth and difficulties, Brene Brown and a quote from her:

 "Without feedback, there can be no transformative change."

Be A Mirror to Foster Growth Mindset

1    1.       Be specific
2.       Focus on what they are doing, not on what is missing
3.       Focus on  the process and the work that was put in
4.       Make it transferable
5.       Take yourself out of the feedback – keep the focus on them

5 Tips for Receiving Feedback Like a Champ

Feeling Uncomfortable is part of the growth process.

              I recently read a quote that explained how people get ahead in their fields, specifically in regards to exercise. “Learn to front load your pain.”  (/u/parallaxBrew via Reddit) 

       Procrastination is just back loading what’s uncomfortable to us, and it just builds and builds and builds, making all the rest of our time uncomfortable too, as the difficult thing that we still have to do looms over us. However, when we learn to front load the uncomfortable task, essentially doing it first and moving it out of the way, it clears us up for tackling more and importantly, other things in our life. All those little moments we were using to dread what was coming are now free to think about the possibilities that lay before us now with our free time, versus the dread of what is to come.

Keep in Mind “state” vs “Trait”

I definitely learned this one watching my mom interview over, and over, and over again for a principal’s position. While she eventually got a position in the school district that she wanted, talking with her after each interview was very discouraging. She would get into a mentality that it was simply who she was as a person that they weren’t looking for, instead of recognizing that there were traits about her that still needed growth and education. While it’s difficult acknowledge, and I love my mother very much, watching her receive negative feedback in her adult life has been one of the best teaching moments for me, and help me open up my eyes to how I, myself receive feedback! I try to square my shoulders, pull them back, open up my face and be in a physically receptive position. People are not attacking me, they are trying to help me! And, I can receive this help, try to implement it and make changes and move forward! I find that the physical position we put ourselves and our bodies into often correlates the the mental state we find ourselves in.

Why Rejections Hurts So Much and What To Do About It

Emotional hurt is in the same brain space as physical hurt!

Recover quickly, connect with others quickly – we are not loners!

Examined Life

Keen attentiveness and presence, acknowledging what it being done, but not praising it. Saving the praise for something really difficult for a child, like patience or sharing. Withholding praise if a child is simply reading or playing.

“Presence, he argues, helps build the child’s confidence by way of indicating he is worthy of the observer’s thoughts and attention — its absence, on the other hand, divorces in the child the journey from the destination by instilling a sense that the activity itself is worthless unless it’s a means to obtaining praise.” (Maria Popova summarizing Stephen Grosz)